How to live if your husband is a narcissist?

Author: Lepinskaya Violetta Olegovna

Perverse narcissism is a progressive form of narcissistic personality disorder characterized by extreme manipulation of others. The word "perverse" is translated as "inverted" or "distorted." These people completely turn your attitude towards the world, in the center of which they put themselves.

For perverse narcissists, all the signs of a narcissistic personality will remain, only in a more serious, extreme form. According to statistics, about 7% of people suffer from a similar disorder, but those who are near these people suffer even more.

How to live with your narcissistic husband?

First you need to determine and make sure that the person next to you is really like that, to study and compare all his inherent behavioral traits. If, nevertheless, you are convinced that this is so, then you should learn the main rule - you cannot change it, no matter how hard you try, all attempts will be doomed to failure. Life next to such a person will be very difficult. You must be ready for the fact that you will be manipulated, used for your own purposes, siphoned out of you material, emotional, and sometimes physiological resources.

If you are ready for all this, then try to philosophically perceive all the narcissistic traits, not taking them to heart and never forgetting that you are being manipulated. You will have to learn not to perceive emotional outbursts, negativity directed at you, attacks of devaluation of your personality, letting all this "deafen". Remember that such people do not tolerate even the slightest criticism, as it brings down their self-esteem.

Note!

You will have to admit that you are wrong, even in those situations where you are right, be in constant tension and expect some kind of catch, prepare for an attack and for the fact that they will constantly try to subdue you to your will.

How to recognize a narcissist?

Recognizing daffodils is quite difficult, because they can skillfully hide all these traits and seem very charming, kind, sociable and just incredibly good people, especially in the first time after meeting. But over time, they show themselves in all their glory. The main signs of their behavior are as follows:

Deeply hidden, or completely lost "I". A narcissist can take any look that suits him and change his attitude and opinion depending on the situation (like a chameleon to be painted in the desired color).

Too high self-esteem. He feels his grandeur, imagines himself with a "crown" on his head, he is the chosen one among the elect. Moreover, such conceit can quickly collapse, since sharp changes are characteristic of this type of personality;

Total envy. Such people are jealous of everything: material acquisitions, power, status, moral qualities, beauty;

Idealization and depreciation. Relationship with a narcissist is a constant "swing": either you are the best and you have no equal, then "complete zero";

Lack of moral constraints. The narcissist may feel that "Conscience is too expensive to maintain." The norms of morality and law are not for him, he can adhere to them only on pain of punishment, since he hasown "morality"

Exploitation and manipulation of others. The narcissist squeezes out of his "victim" all material, physical and emotional resources, bringing it to complete exhaustion in every sense.

Where do daffodils come from?

The reasons for any character traits and behavior are rooted in childhood, if it was unfavorable, this subsequently affects the psyche. Parents of future narcissists constantly inadequately assess the actions of their child, either overly praising or devaluing his merits.

At first, they can praise him for any achievement, and then say that he could be better or compare with the successes of other children. So the little man begins to develop an inner drama, he does not understand where the limit of perfection is and begins to depend on the opinions of others, tries to earn their approval. Over time, such a child may develop a personality disorder.

How to communicate with a narcissist?

Dealing with a narcissist is not easy. The first rule that should be adhered to is to try to "emotionally detach", not to pay attention to sharp statements and provocations. Personal boundaries should be established by repeating to yourself "I will not lead to this manipulation."

In a conversation, you should give the shortest possible answers, not allowing you to catch on to the phrase and start an attack on you. You need to try to stick to the topic of the conversation and not go aside, as this can give rise to new provocations, which in the end can end in accusations and a transition to personalities.

If you need to get something from the narcissist, do not skimp on compliments, and then he can even fulfill your request with pleasure.

Narcissists are manipulators

One of the most striking features of narcissists is their tendency to various kinds of manipulation and provocation. Narcissists are just professional manipulators. The most common techniques can be as follows:

Uses "Gaslighting" ... The simplest way to express such a strategy is to say: “There was no such thing”, “You are inventing”, “It seemed to you”. Using this method, the narcissist makes you doubt your own righteousness, undermining your sense of reality;
His main defensive reaction is Projection . This is a defensive reaction, which consists in shifting one's own guilt onto another person (“It's not me who work badly, it's just my boss's fool,” “It's not my fault that we quarreled, it was you who provoked an argument and behaved inappropriately. Do you even remember, what did you say and do? Oh, don't you remember, well, okay, then there is nothing to talk about ”). This technique makes a person feel guilty, shame, misunderstanding, insecurity, even if he is not really to blame;
Generalizes and exaggerates. Make generalizations based on any words, ignoring the nuances of your argumentation. Any one aspect of the problem can "bloat" to unprecedented proportions, making it impossible to have a serious conversation;
Anything that can overturn - overturns and perverts . What you have said is rephrased to make your position look absurd and unacceptable;
Once you get used to the rules of the game, they change. Such people always find something to complain about and they always have reasons to be dissatisfied with you. When you fulfill one requirement, others appear. They make you feel unworthy, inferior all the time. The rules of the narcissist's game are constantly changing, its only goal is to gain his approval and attention;
Leads the conversation away from the important to the side, often absurd. You can reproach him for not paying attention to children, and in order to get away from the conversation, he will remind you of the mistake that you made 10 years ago;
Manipulates and threatens. If, in response to disagreement with something, you hear explicit or covert threats, then you have a person who believes that everyone owes him (“if you continue to do this and that, you will be punished with then");
Doesn't shun direct insults;
Uses the "hot-cold" tactic . Until you “fall for the bait” and start making friends, love, you will be idealized. Once pecked, depreciation will begin immediately;
Introduces a third person into the equation . Involvement of the third opinion, the parties in the dynamics of communication. This can often lead to love triangles;
Your boundaries are constantly being attacked and checked. The narcissist will test your boundaries all the time. The more boundaries he manages to break, the further he will go in his behavior. But as soon as you step back after passing the next line, you will be sucked back like a vacuum cleaner with false promises and words of remorse. When you come back, they will treat you even harder than before;
Black humor and cynicism. As soon as you flare up, you will be accused of not having a sense of humor;

Plays with your emotions. Narcissists create conflict out of the blue so that you feel insecure and unstable, cling to little things, constantly argue and get angry at the slightest pretext;
Swing. The relationship is going great, then worse than ever. You are pushed away and then pulled back. Once you believe that everything is fine and you are loved, a cold shower will follow. Then again for a while everything will be fine, then an even colder shower and so on will be repeated.

The victim is not always aware of his subordination

The victims of narcissists after a breakup often say that the relationship has bled and dried them out. But in the process of the relationship itself, rarely anyone understands, because these people change your reality, the idea of the world, everything that you liked before, make you a comfortable person for them.

But no matter how hard you try to fit in with the narcissist, you will never succeed. As soon as you fulfill some requirements, others will appear and they will always be unhappy with you. The manipulations used by narcissistic personalities are difficult to recognize.

And the person to whom they are applied is at a loss and does not understand what he is doing wrong, because everything was so beautiful. Usually, understanding comes to the victim when a critical point comes.

Narcissists can inflict deep trauma on the psyche.

Those who have been near the narcissist for a long time say that they have such feelings as fear, sadness, emptiness, self-doubt, humiliation, pain, they experience depression, a state of complete hopelessness, unwillingness to live, lose interest in everything that I liked before.

Narcissists destroy all the good that is in you, make you completely submit to your will, live like a devoted dog who is waiting to be thrown a bone - these are the crumbs of attention that they sometimes bestow on their victim. And when she receives them, she experiences a feeling of euphoria and immeasurable happiness, she is ready to endure any humiliation, if only they throw a bone to her again.

How to survive with a narcissist?

The first and most important rule is to clearly define your boundaries, as narcissists love to break them, using people for their own purposes, and then throw them away like an unnecessary toy. You need to learn when it is necessary to say "no", not allowing you to cross your border. It is necessary to try not to be led by provocations and be able to recognize manipulations in time.

Realizing that you are being manipulated, do not pay attention and do not waste your energy on the statements and actions of the narcissist. Its goal is to unsettle you, to make you nervous, angry, scandalous, offended, to instill in you an all-encompassing feeling of guilt, inferiority and inferiority, to put you on the hook, to pull the strings and, as a result, to ensure that you give your energy, material, physical and spiritual means.

The main task is to recognize all these manipulations in time and stop them every time. If they are trying to instill in you a feeling of guilt, do not be fooled by this provocation. You are told unpleasant, offensive statements - find the strength to remain silent or to respond indifferently, avoiding an argument and scandal. You were "poured cold shower", thrown out something out of the ordinary - do not say goodbye, but say goodbye to this person, because then an even colder shower will follow.

How to get away from a narcissist?

The end of any relationship is not easy. But it is doubly difficult to leave the narcissist, since over time, the person next to him develops a dependence on the relationship. And even realizing that the relationship is toxic and brings only trouble, a person cannot leave. It can be comparedwith a slot machine game in which you lose all the time.

Despite the constant loss, the person continues to play, because he has already invested a lot and hopes that he can compensate for the loss.

In addition, narcissists never just let go of their "victims" if it does not happen according to their wishes. As long as you are profitable, the narcissist will squeeze all the resources out of you. Therefore, when the situation begins to develop not according to their scenario, they will certainly try to get you back with the help of all sorts of manipulations.

If you are still determined to end the relationship, start by writing down on a piece of paper all the reasons why you want to break up with this person. If you are tempted to return, take out this sheet and remind yourself everything. Try to get rid of illusions and understand that such people do not change.

Cut off all contacts immediately, block the phone number, remove it from social networks. No matter how hard and painful it is, it is necessary to get rid of everything that reminds of this person - things, joint photos. If possible, it is better to leave for a certain time and change your phone number, but if this is not possible, try to avoid places that remind you of your relationship.

If you lived together, take care of the renovation, change the decor. If there are common children, or for some other reason, meetings cannot be avoided, then it is better to meet not alone, but in the presence of other people - relatives, friends. Keep in mind that the narcissist will not suffer during this time, as the narcissist is unable to truly love.

The only person a narcissist is in love with is himself. Everything else can only hurt him, make him angry, because his plans for this person have collapsed, but not in any way cause suffering. The narcissist will quickly find himself a new "victim", will have fun and relax in a noisy company, since such people do not get bored for a long time.

Important

Remember that it is almost impossible to outsmart the narcissist, he will always be one step ahead, all the more it will not come out to manipulate him, as he himself is a first-class manipulator. The only way to defeat him is to break off all relationships and resist the temptation to renew them.

How to survive if you are a narcissist?

In most cases, not a single narcissist admits that he is such, but will consider himself just a special, peculiar person, whose subtle soul cannot be understood. Just like no alcoholic, drug addict anda mentally unhealthy person does not admit to their addictions and personality disorders. And if you are aware of this, then your situation is not so hopeless. Honestly admitting something to yourself is already a big step towards change.

In this case, the best solution would be to contact qualified specialists who will select the right strategy for healing. Some psychologists treat narcissistic disorder through empathy, which is unusual for such people, but this is not suitable for everyone, since in especially advanced cases empathy will be perceived as weakness and a signal that a person can be twisted.

Others use more radical methods, which are to shatter the narcissist's sense of grandeur and superiority and to induce narcissistic anger and rage. And these are just minor nuances and methods of work. But in most cases, narcissists will not voluntarily agree to such help, because they simply do not believe that they need it. But even if they agree, any methods may be ineffective, since such personality disorders are very difficult to treat.

Conclusion

According to the observations of many psychologists, narcissists can become kinder, more humane and responsive only after serious emotional upheavals. The death of a loved one, any tragedy, an accident can turn his world upside down and make him not the same as before. But even after such events, transformation occurs in isolated cases.

Always be vigilant, appreciate and respect yourself, do not let the manipulator turn your life upside down!